i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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