dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
