apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
