we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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