ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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