Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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