I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
my poor anus
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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