I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
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The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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