I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
