i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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