i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
