My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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