Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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