having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We are two peas in an std pod
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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