I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
