omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
its liver damage thursday
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
