I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
vagina is talking i cant
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize