Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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