u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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