there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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