No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
