So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
