Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
