I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm passing your future prison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize