I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
