On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
