i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wish there were birth control emojis
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
