Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
