No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
