Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
