Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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