I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
