Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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