I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
