Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
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We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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