I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize
