My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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