Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
