Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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