I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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