mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
