At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
