i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
