my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
