not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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