Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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