So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
