I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
