Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
