if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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