my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
