Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
