Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
