I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
